I know what I saw (may contain dirty language)

I’m not going to lie, I was chilling out, watching Law and Order SVU and playing around on my computer. Hermes was taking a nap. I got up intending to make myself something for dinner, and Hermes stretched awake to follow me because where I go, he goes.

I walked to the hallway (where my pantry is) and flicked on the light, when i saw It. Something scurried from Hermes’ food bowl to a small crack between the floorboard and the bathroom doorjamb — a crack that I would have thought was too small for any living creature to escape into.

Hermes’ tail bristled and he bounced towards the wall, then looked back at me as if to say, “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT.” I just froze, glared at the hole, and said loudly “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT!”

Then, “IT WAS A FUCKING MOUSE.”

And, turning on my befuddled kitten, my brows knitting with fury, “What the fuck! Why haven’t you hunted those fuckers out of here? What use are you?”

Hermes just looked back, perplexed, because he’s a cat and cats are stupid.

USELESS.

I very calmly walked to the kitchen, where under the sink I keep a bottle of Raid. I very calmly took it over to the hole and streamed the raid directly into it. I then washed the area around the hole with Murphy’s Oil, and then I set a kettlebell right in front of it, and then calmly wrote a note to the landlord to shove under the office door in the morning

I then turned back to Hermes, who by this point was sniffing curiously at the kettlebell, wondering if he should eat it or pee on it.   I held up a little toy mouse for him and said slowly, “Hunt. This. Anything that looks like this, hunt it and kill it and bring it to me. I know you know how to hunt. You hunt me all the time although I am much harder to bring down than a mouse. Hunt and kill this.”

I flung it down and gestured to it. Hermes looked at it, then at the kettlebell, then at me, and then walked into the livingroom so he could sit on top of my printer and lick his butthole.

Someone isn’t carrying his weight in this relationship.